I'll be the first person to admit that I kinda miss the rush and panic that came with the trials. I've finally arrived at the long anticipated light at the end of the tunnel but to be honest, it's just as dark out here as in the tunnel. At least I didn't have so much time to think back there.

I hate those days when you lose hope in everything and everything in the world doesn't seem right. When you can see all your imperfections and how fucked up you are, and how fucked up the world is. I'm really not sure whether these moments are when your mind is being polluted by your depression, or as if the veil of self deluded optimism has been lifted. If I want to think about this positively, it's all a matter of perception and the world can be as rosy as far as I'm willing it to be. Or is it? These past few years have really jaded me about the motivations of people and how nasty and cruel humanity can be. Including me. I've realised that self gratification and self gain is the motivation behind every action. My dabble in Christianity the past year has given me insight into why humans are like this and the need for faith in Jesus Christ to point us back to God so that we may be saved. I think faith gives me hope, but the religion has turned me away. The churches talk up Christianity to amazing heights and while I did seem to experience moments of complete spirituality sometimes it seems like self delusion. Telling myself that there was someone out there who had planned everything and was looking after me. Someone who loved me unconditionally. I think everyone looks for these things, love which is perfect and unconditional but.. does it exist? Or did I try to convince myself it did?
Don't take friends for granted. Don't think that because it has friends has anything to do with your charm and good character. What if, they're just friends with you because it's their good nature and easy willingness to befriend anyone. This thought struck me the other day because in all honesty I have no idea why I have even a single friend in this world. I've been a little slack with all my relationships as of late and not working hard for them. Why should I expect people to like me and want to spend time with me if I don't show any sign that I appreciate times spent together? At the same time, some people annoy the shit out of me sometimes and I just can't be bothered to make amends or attempt at reviving the past relationship.
I keep putting things off. I'll always convince myself tomorrow is another day. But what I need is to start NOW. Start changing my character, stop being the size of a blue whale, learn new skills and try and build some sort of social circle. Hopefully by writing this down, I'll do something about it. :P

Labels: emo post is emo